IELTS Writing Sample with Examiner`s comments/feedback: Agree or Disagree

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IELTS Writing Sample with Examiner`s comments/feedback: Agree or Disagree

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic.

It is important to ensure that children with a wide range of abilities and from a variety of social backgrounds mix with each other at school.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Student`s answer:

I most definitely agree with this statement, and I am convinced that if more people would share this statement, many of today's problems could be avoided and, under the risk of sounding candid, " the world would be a better place ".

If one is aware of the general, Western (well, global really) civilization tendency towards living within closed groups, almost from "birth to death", one may find that addressing the subject at the earliest moment possible is a reasonable possibility of starting to fight that tendency. Children are naturally kept, in the first few years of their lives, in a very limited and controlled environment, and then gradually start opening up to the world around them. So it is very important that, when they start doing so, they also begin to understand what surrounds them - people, races, social backgrounds, family structures, religious beliefs, etc. - as parts of the real world where they will live and be called to change, improve or condition.

The alternative to this will be, as it is already today, that children will live more and more isolated from reality in all its varied, and sometimes cruel, features. I believe these children, not having had a chance to directly communicate and interact with other kinds of children, will fear and even resent such differences. Ignorance and misunderstanding is (has been and will be) one important source of conflict, and social conflict in the first instance.

I think I can say I was fortunate enough to have attended an elementary school which was characterized, among other things, for just such a feature: even though it was a private school, where parents who could afford it had to pay a substantial fee, it had a policy of taking in children with all kinds of differences. I got accustomed to having colleagues and friends of lower social backgrounds (economically speaking), who were state- financed to attend the school; with different learning abilities (deaf, mentally-disadvantaged, etc.) and of different ethnic backgrounds (Asian and from Portuguese African ex-colonies).

I am very certain that this part of my education helped me better understanding and accepting the world around me; still nowadays I have all kinds of friends and like to know things about all kinds of people, and I know not everyone around me does the same. (387 words)

*note: all the words in this writing sample is originally written in capital letters by the student.

Examiner`s feedback (with band 7)

Task Response
Although the topic could be more precisely introduced, this response opens with a clear statement of the writer's opinion, and goes on to develop its position clearly and logically, right through to the end. The conclusion would possibly be stronger if it referred back to the actual topic rather than being wholly personal.

Coherence & Cohesion
Paragraphs are used to good effect and the writing flows well, helped by skillful use of referencing pronouns to link sentences.

Lexical Resource
There is quite a wide range of vocabulary used, with a natural feel for style and collocation, although there are also occasional errors in both word choice and spelling.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy
The grammar consists of a wide range of sentence types used flexibly and accurately; though occasional mistakes occur in verb form and word order, these do not impede communication, and the majority of sentences are errors free.
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